Thanksgiving weekend, a few buddies and I went on a deep sea fishing excursion for Laser's 26th birthday. The trip didn't sound very appealing, but we all obliged since Laser rarely requests anything on his special day. I channeled my hunter/gatherer instincts and directed all of my energy into providing sustenance for our females - barefooted and waiting patiently in the kitchen to prepare a king's feast with our bounty. Laser didn’t grasp this chauvinistic opportunity and chose to bring Laser Girl along.
I offer a Bill Simmons-esque time journal of the day's highlights:
Captain’s log: 5:50am
Federal Investigation, Wonq, and I are the first ones to arrive, followed by all others with plenty of time to board the ship. I am impressed by everyone’s promptness. Most of us are bundled up as if our final destination is a snow capped mountain peak. Well, all of us except for Laser Girl. She is wearing – a thin hoodie and sweat pants that cut off at the ankles. I am astonished by this. At the very least, I will witness perhaps the worst date in the history of mankind.
Captain’s log: 6:35am
We set sail. Besides the captain and his two crew members (Coop and Joey), there are roughly 15 additional passengers, several of whom have previously partaken in these sea escapades. The crisp ocean breeze cuts through our morning grogginess. The boat motor roars vociferously and is distracting at first, but quickly becomes a rhythmic backdrop to the boat's rocking motion.
On the bathroom door, there is a sign that reads, "Do not throw up in the bathroom". I gladly accept the motion sickness pills Laser distributes.
Captain’s log: 7:30am
We travel under the Golden Gate Bridge and are headed 40 miles west of it. How long will that take? I long for a calm afternoon on a lake, catching fish under a warm, sun-drenched sky, a memorable afternoon spent counseling each other through our twenty-something angst. Maybe next time. Riding under the bridge is very neat; I have never seen it from that perspective before. There is a magnificence to the Golden Gate bridge that I have never been able to appreciate until now. A humorous development is unfolding; Laser Girl appears to be sick (much like several others in our party). Laser mentally prepares for a long day.
Captain’s log 8:45am
Where are we? I miss ML. I miss my family. If we died here, nobody would know it. I am having an internal panic attack. I do not show it, however, and continue to smile and feign immense enjoyment of our adventure. Both Laser and Laser Girl are flushed in the face and sick. She is no longer speaking with any of us, concentrating on keeping her breakfast in her stomach. I feel sorry for her. Laser informs me she refused to take motion sickness pills. My sympathy vanishes.
Captain’s log 9:20am
Along the way, we circle pre-set crab traps, the contents of which will be distributed among the passengers. The crew gathers about 25 or so. They throw back any that do not meet size standards. What must a crab be thinking while it slowly sinks back to the bottom of the ocean floor? They are stupid and deserve a fateful end in my stomach.
Captain’s log 10:30am
The motor ceases and the boat settles. The sun slowly pierces the morning haze. We are instructed to cast our fishing poles. There are not enough for our entire group so I watch my mates cast their lines. As soon as they go in, pretty much everyone gets a bite. We have come across a school of mackerel and everyone is reeling them in. Linn-Duh catches one, but it’s not even caught in one of the hooks. The fish had just merely caught itself in Linn-Duh's tangled line. All we are doing is dropping our lines into the water where schools of fish are innocently swimming by. It's almost as if we are smacking them in the face with our bait. This is not fair and a bit boring.
More people are sick. I turn to watch my buddy Wonq cast his line. While doing so, he spews into the water. He pretends as though nothing has happened and continues on with his business. Coop grabs a hose and washes his vomit towards me. This is gross.
Our casted lines are so close to the boat that you have to look down to reel in your line. This is not good for my stomach. I feel nauseous and lie down and fall asleep.
Captain’s log 11:30am
I wake up to a warm sun. Everyone seems to be having some success with their catch. Rock fish are flapping on the boat, waiting to be stuffed into the burlap sack the crew has provided for us.
I have also missed watching the majority of our party yuke into the ocean. They have forever changed the Pacific Ocean’s eco-system. I am proud of my friends.
Coop sets me up with my own pole, and I quickly catch two rock fish on one line. The constant motion of the boat is making me sick again. I go back to sleep.
Dancer-for-Money proudly announces that he threw up into a fish’s mouth while Wonq reeled it in. This is gross. I imagine what it might be like to be that fish. Criminals don't deserve such a cruel fate. Or do they? It seems like it would be an interesting interrogation tactic to yack into a suspect's mouth.
Captain’s log 1:30pm
The worst date ever continues to unfold nicely. Laser Girl has been unconscious for at least three hours. In fact, she has not moved. I surmise that she has stopped breathing. I share this grave news with Laser. He scratches himself and eats a Doritos chip (in that order).
It is about time to head back but the kind-hearted captain informs us that they will be extending our fishing time for a bit longer. This is like telling a prisoner that shower time has been extended. I am not sure whether I should cry or go back to sleep. I do neither. I sit and think about how long it will take to get home.
Captain’s log 2:45pm
We are slowly headed back to Berkeley Marina. However, we have been circling the waters to wrangle up all of the crab traps the crew had set along the way. I sit inside with some of the sick. We eat, sleep, and commiserate. Laser's master plan has come together; we are galvanized through shared misery. Laser Girl rises from the dead.
Captain’s log 6:00pm
We are back in Berkeley Marina. It’s just as dark as it was when we left.
...........
We arrived home and murdered over 20 crabs. Some put up a fight. I won.
Fish were pan-fried and oven baked (most are vacuumed sealed in the freezer and will never be seen again). Linn-Duh did a great job of filleting the pieces. The mackerel was extremely tasteful, and I thought it was better than the cod. ML (not barefoot) executed Shindokdo’s famous mae-uhn-tang, a spicey Korean fish stew consisting primarily of radish and tofu. We augmented the stew by adding one of the steamed crabs, melding the stew with the subtle sweetness from the crab.
It was delicious and a warm, comforting highlight to a grueling 16 hours.
Notes: Laser Girl was unavailable for dinner...Dr. Phil never touched a fishing pole
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