"on the radio" - regina spektor

With the pace of life continues to accelerate, I've caught myself contemplating more and more about growing old and well, dying. I don't think they are purely morbid thoughts; it's not fully accurate to claim that they are thoughts about death. It's really about not being able to come to terms with lack of existence. Really an ongoing internal discourse on existentialism. As I told a dear friend recently however, thoughts about aging and death are pretty selfish. I mean, think of all of the individuals who have perished in this world.

I am selfish.

So let me indulge that for a moment. One of the primary considerations du jour lies in the physical form. More specifically, at what age do you feel that your physical and mental states are the true embodiment of self over the course over a lifetime? Let me put to rest the argument that it's about your spiritual being rather than any physical condition. I'm sure that is true and I believe that as a Catholic - but it's hard to contemplate as a worldly dope (yes, I do need to attend mass more).

I want to understand when I want to be for the rest of eternity. Is it as I am right now? Married, making good money, in solid physical condition, still with all my hair? But what about in five years when we have children - won't that be a special time? Won't I still be in top mental state? Or maybe twenty years? By then my face will start to wear some handsomely distinguished lines, my bloated salary will afford ridiculously-priced suits and watches. I'll have learned so much caretaking children and parents. But I actually cherish years gone by when my children would be nestled snuggly in my arms...There's no perfect answer.

And just as difficult is how life continues to change, evolve, grow before it stops. No matter how prepared you can be, it's still sudden, right? You are alive, and then you are not. You have all of these beautiful thoughts and memories stored in your mind - all of which have never been experienced by anyone else, and then they are gone (at least in this world). Isn't that crazy?!

I have a lot more to say on this topic, but I just wanted to share some thoughts to introduce a Regina Spektor song lyric that shares my sentiments. Also, I've been listening to a lot more music written and performed by women. I'm just putting that out there; you can read into it however you'd like...

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again




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